Pathos

who am i?

you can call me Benny, or Pathos, or whatever you feel my name could be. (maybe one day i'll have earned a name that resonates more deeply than anything has yet.) but that's not important.

my people, that i am descended from & related to, are Greek, mostly, and German, and Russian.

my people, that i am in community with, are from everywhere, and they can be everyone, anyone, anyone whose consent i have to be in community with.

who am i? is a funny question because it leads to bunches and bunches of other funny questions, like, how do you differentiate between personality and personhood? what creates both, or you could pick either one, but, is it our intentions, other thoughts, our words, our actions, our role in our community? who am i? leads to what am i? leads to what are we?.

for years, i was convinced it wasn't really me inhabiting my body; i didn't have any choice in what or when i ate, when i slept, what i did with my days. i was instructed to do what i was told, either because i would be punished otherwise, or because my body would punish me otherwise, i'd simply crash and burn; i was special, but not in a good way, in a bad way, i was fragile, more fragile than anyone else. imagine my relief when i was taught how wrong i was.

i'm not special!

i'm human.

there are more disabled, crippled, people out there than i had been shown at first glances, and even among predisabled people, i recognize that i am not alone.

this year, my 21st year on this planet, this rock, i've started - just now started - to reclaim myself. my humanness. my body. my mind. (the truth that there's an artificial binary there; and my body and mind are very much blended if not one and the same.) my energy. my intuition. my care.

i was recently taught by emsenn, an Indigenous [Itazipco Lakota] friend and comrade, that care isn't a noun to describe a feeling. or, it isn't just that. care, in Lakota ontology at the least, is a verb to describe action/s. the best way i can think to articulate this further and provide an example of how i understand this, is, the difference between the ontology of someone who says, "i care about you," and someone else who responds, "how do you care about me?" these are the question i ask myself now every day when i get up in the morning. what will i care about today? how will i care about it?

i sound very focused on healing, i know, but this is actually really reluctant. i have grown up believing i don't matter, and as long as i can care-as-a-verb for others, why worry about what i'm holding back, holding in, pushing down? i don't affect the world, do i? me? yeah, me. as emsenn told me once, at the very least i matter when i'm dragging the shit i've been carrying with me into community on my heels. (like, y'know, a shitheel.) as part of reclaiming myself, i'm also claiming myself. myself, my ancestors, their harm, my harm. i am claiming and owning up to the harm i have committed before this year, the harm i will commit this year, and the harm i will commit every year after until my death. not just that i have done to others, but to myself, and to the space in between us. what am i holding in, holding back? an unwanted but still loud thirst for power and domination, that arose out of trauma and was encouraged by our society's cruelty so i could learn to become cruel like it. i shouldn't let it out, but i can't leave it hanging there, otherwise it slips through the cracks. what am i pushing down? a deep rage, likely borne of a-similar-if-not-the-same place and encouraged by similar-if-not-the-same-forces. do i try to hide it, embrace it fully and recklessly, or a third option, do i lovingly and carefully harness it?

because of this deep rage, i have imagined that i might one day be a solider, a guard, someone's attack dog. but if i'm a dog, i'm a goddamn golden retriever. friendly, easily stimulated & easily excitable, caring-as-a-noun and caring-as-a-verb. i do believe that love & joy are our reasons to live, but that love & joy are in everything, especially community, power, justified anger, and counterintuitive-to-a-lotta-folk, uncomfortable but necessary rage, grief, even shame. i do live for love & joy, but not just my love & joy; the love and joy of us all. and these are not just platitudes, not for me, but my own autonomous instructions. i don't follow my parents' anymore, i follow my own. our own. i am conscious of my needs, i will do all i can to fulfill yours. instead of letting myself be unnaturally selfish, or forcing myself to be unnaturally selfless, we merge us in our humanness until when we center ourselves we center all of ourselves. let us be like rivers and beavers and trees; each with our own little selfish needs and yet how we fulfill them connects us. i’m not soft, and i won’t ever silence critique or necessary rage, anything else uncomfortable, because those are the actions of a coward. i am brave because i am in love. within love.

what now?

anarchy. anarchy now.

specifically, though, landback; Indigenous & Black liberation. also building up my local, even hyperlocal, community, and mutual aid networks. this started, like, yesterday, so if you have a need i can fulfill, reach out. i'm on Instagram @ criprevolution, and Twitter @ crpplsrevltn. things i have been both habituated & taught to be decent at include: writing, like this, design; graphic design, video editing, and i'm very much not that experienced with emacs/org mode but if you need me i will provide whatever i can. if you step away from this virtual space and towards reality, the list expands: baking, cooking, sewing. i can also be taught new skills. if you need a resource and not a service, too, reach out.

what are we?

let's find out together, alright?

The Horse

Solidarity Union & Urban Commune